Finding Compassion in Conflict:

When Empathy Feels Impossible

Empathy is often described as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is a cornerstone of human connection, fostering relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. But what happens when the people we seek to empathize with hold disdain for us or for marginalized communities? How do we cultivate empathy in the face of hostility, prejudice, or indifference? Let's explore the challenges of empathizing with those who oppose or harm us and offers strategies for finding compassion even in the most difficult circumstances.

The Challenge of Empathy Amidst Disdain

Empathy becomes particularly challenging when we encounter individuals or groups who hold prejudiced views or actively perpetuate harm against marginalized communities. Their disdain may manifest as microaggressions, overt discrimination, or even violence. For those of who belong to marginalized groups, the emotional toll of engaging with such individuals can be overwhelming. It is natural to feel anger, frustration, or even despair when faced with hostility or indifference.

Psychologist Paul Bloom argues that empathy, while valuable, has its limitations. He suggests that empathy can sometimes lead to bias, as we are more likely to empathize with those who are similar to us or who we find likable (Bloom, 2016). This raises an important question: How can we extend empathy to those who seem unworthy of it, especially when their actions or beliefs cause harm?

Why Empathy Matters, Even in Hard Cases

Empathy does not mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning our commitment to justice. Rather, it is about understanding the humanity of others, even when their actions are deeply flawed. This understanding can be a powerful tool for change. As author and activist bell hooks writes, “Empathy is the heart of love, and without it, we cannot truly connect with others” (hooks, 2000). By seeking to understand the roots of disdain—whether it stems from fear, ignorance, or systemic conditioning—we can begin to address the underlying causes of division.

Empathy also serves as a form of self-preservation. Holding onto anger and resentment can be emotionally exhausting and can perpetuate cycles of harm. By cultivating empathy, even in small ways, we free ourselves from the burden of carrying hatred. As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. famously said, “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that” (King, 1963).

Strategies for Cultivating Empathy

1. Separate the Person from the Behavior: It can be helpful to distinguish between the individual and their actions or beliefs. While their behavior may be harmful, recognizing their humanity can open the door to empathy. This does not mean condoning their actions but rather acknowledging that they, like all of us, are shaped by their experiences and environment.

2. Seek to Understand, Not to Agree: Empathy does not require agreement. Instead, it involves curiosity about why someone holds certain beliefs or behaves in a particular way. Asking questions like, “What experiences have shaped their perspective?” or “What fears or insecurities might be driving their behavior?” can help us see them as complex individuals rather than one-dimensional adversaries.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Cultivating empathy for others begins with compassion for ourselves. It is okay to feel hurt, angry, or frustrated when faced with disdain. Acknowledge these emotions without judgment and give yourself the space to heal. Self-compassion creates a foundation from which we can extend empathy to others.

4. Engage in Perspective-Taking: Try to imagine the world from the other person’s point of view. What might their life experiences have been? What challenges or fears might they face? While this exercise does not justify harmful behavior, it can help us see them as more than just their worst actions.

5. Set Boundaries: Empathy does not mean subjecting ourselves to harm. It is important to set clear boundaries to protect our emotional well-being. This might mean limiting interactions with individuals who are hostile or seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.

6. Focus on Shared Humanity: Despite our differences, we all share common human experiences—love, loss, joy, and pain. Reflecting on these shared experiences can help us find common ground, even with those who seem diametrically opposed to us.

The Role of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as excusing harmful behavior or reconciling with those who have caused harm. In reality, forgiveness is a personal process of releasing anger and resentment. It is not about forgetting or condoning but about freeing ourselves from the emotional weight of holding onto pain. As Desmond Tutu, a champion of restorative justice, explains, “Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning” (Tutu, 1999). Forgiveness can be a powerful step toward cultivating empathy, even in the face of disdain.

The Bigger Picture: Systemic Change

While individual empathy is important, it is not a substitute for systemic change. Many harmful behaviors and beliefs are rooted in larger systems of oppression and inequality. Addressing these systemic issues requires collective action, advocacy, and policy change. Empathy can inspire us to work toward a more just and equitable society, but it must be paired with concrete efforts to dismantle the structures that perpetuate harm.

Cultivating empathy for those who hold disdain for us or for marginalized communities is not easy. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a commitment to seeing the humanity in others, even when it is deeply obscured. While empathy does not mean excusing harmful behavior, it can be a powerful tool for healing and understanding. By practicing empathy, setting boundaries, and working toward systemic change, we can create a world where love and compassion transcend division.

As we navigate this challenging work, let us remember the words of Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better” (Angelou, 2008). Empathy is a journey, and every step we take brings us closer to a more connected and compassionate world.

References

- Angelou, M. (2008). Letter to My Daughter. Random House.

- Bloom, P. (2016). Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion. Ecco.

- hooks, b. (2000). All About Love: New Visions. William Morrow.

- King, M. L. Jr. (1963). Strength to Love. Harper & Row.

- Nosakhere, K. (n.d.). *Empathy and humanity* [TikTok videos]. Retrieved from TikTok profile: RSAMastery.

- Tutu, D. (1999). No Future Without Forgiveness. Image.

- Stephens, D. B. (n.d.). *Empathy without agreement* [TikTok videos and Substack articles]. Retrieved from [TikTok profile] and [Substack profile].