How to Receive Feedback Without Getting Defensive

And Why It Really Matters

By Vix Burgett-Prunty

Have you ever been corrected by somebody in public? I have. I've haven't always taken it well. I've gotten downright angry over being corrected and made all kinds of excuses. Deflecting and being verbally violent.

Getting feedback can suuuck. Even when it’s delivered kindly, that sting of criticism can make your stomach drop, your shoulders tense, and your brain scramble for excuses. "They just don’t get it!" "Well, if they knew what I was dealing with…" "They’re being unfair!"

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Defensiveness is a natural human reaction. We’re wired to protect our egos. But here’s the thing: if we let that instinct take over, we miss out on growth, damage relationships, and even reinforce harmful power dynamics, especially when receiving feedback from marginalized voices.

So, how do we take feedback without the knee-jerk defensiveness? And why does it matter even more when the person giving feedback is Black, Indigenous, or otherwise marginalized? Let’s break it down.

Why Defensiveness Backfires (Big Time)

• It Keeps You Stuck

Research shows that people who resist feedback plateau in their careers and personal growth (Stone & Heen, Thanks for the Feedback). When you dismiss criticism, you’re essentially saying, "I’d rather be right than improve." Ouch.

• It Makes People Hesitate to Be Honest With You

If every time someone offers feedback, you argue or shut down, they’ll eventually stop giving it. That means you’ll keep making the same mistakes and never know why.

• It Reinforces Inequality

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Studies (like those in Harvard Business Review) show that Black professionals, women, and other marginalized groups are often penalized for giving direct feedback, while white men are seen as "assertive." If you’re in a position of privilege and you respond defensively to feedback from someone with less power, you’re reinforcing that imbalance.

What to Do Instead of Getting Defensive

• Pause. Breathe. Don’t React.

Your first instinct might be to explain, argue, or shut down. Instead, take a deep breath and say:

• "Let me think about that."

• "I appreciate you telling me. Can we talk more about this?"

This small pause keeps you from spiraling into defensiveness.

• Listen to Understand, Not to "Win"

Most of us listen just enough to form a rebuttal. Try this instead:

• Ask clarifying questions:"Can you say more about what you mean?"

• Paraphrase their point: "So what I’m hearing is…"

This shows you’re actually hearing them, not just waiting to defend yourself.

• Separate the Message from the Delivery

Bad tone? Frustrated delivery? That doesn’t automatically make the feedback wrong. Ask yourself:

• "Is there truth here, even if it wasn’t perfectly said?"

• "Would I be this defensive if someone I respected said the same thing?"

• Say "Thank You" (Even If It Hurts)

Gratitude disarms tension. Try:

• "I really appreciate you bringing this up."

• "It’s not easy to give feedback, so thanks for trusting me with this."

This doesn’t mean you have to agree, just that you recognize their effort.

• Reflect Before Deciding What to Do

Not all feedback is gold. Some is biased, some is off-base. But before dismissing it:

• "Is there a pattern here? Have others said similar things?"

• "Could this help me improve, even if it’s uncomfortable?"

• Ask for Feedback Regularly

The more you seek feedback, the less scary it becomes. Try:

• "What’s one thing I could do better?”

• "How did that come across to you?"

The Power Dynamics of Feedback (Why This Isn’t Just About You)

Here’s where it gets real: Not everyone is given equal space to speak up.

• Black voices are often dismissed or punished for giving feedback. (See: studies on "tone policing" and workplace discrimination.)

• Women are labeled "emotional" or "aggressive" for the same directness that gets men called "leaders."

• Marginalized people often have to soften their feedback to be heard and even then, they’re ignored.

So if you’re in a position of privilege (white, male, senior in rank, etc.), and someone from a marginalized group gives you feedback, your defensiveness isn’t just about you, it’s reinforcing systemic inequality.

Punching Down vs. Lifting Up

• Punching down: Dismissing, interrupting, or punishing someone for giving feedback when they have less power than you.

• Lifting up: Listening, validating, and taking their perspective seriously—even if it’s uncomfortable.

Which one do you want to be?

The Bottom Line

Feedback isn’t an attack, it’s data. The more open you are to it, the more you grow. And if you’re in a position of privilege, how you receive feedback from marginalized people isn’t just about you, it’s about whether you’re part of the problem or part of the solution.

So next time you feel that defensive surge rising, ask yourself:

• "What can I learn here?"*

• "Am I making this about my ego, or about growth?

• "Is my reaction fair, or is it rooted in privilege?”

The choice is yours.

How do you handle feedback? Especially when it’s tough to hear? Share your thoughts below.

Sources:

Stone & Heen, "Thanks for the Feedback"; Harvard Business Review studies on feedback and power dynamics; research on racial and gender bias in communication.

Membership Drive Alert! 📚

60K and below is excited to launch a special membership drive! For every paid year-long subscription, you’ll receive a FREE book from acclaimed author and historian Royal Star Mastery.

🔗 Join now to unlock exclusive content and claim your gift!

Don’t miss out. Let’s grow this community together!