Navigating Grief:

The Need for Community Beyond the Initial Response

By t.e.pastiche

Here’s the problem the way I see it.

Plenty of us know what we’re “supposed to do” when shit hits the fan. A family member dies, a bad divorce happens, a major life change, whatever and we’ll know how to be there and present acutely. We triage. But most of us don’t know how to be there through the longer term for rough stuff or more challenging endeavors. This goes for family circles too. They’re there until you get into the thick of it all when shit gets really real and the person in all reality may need you the most.

I can think of no better example than a family grieving the loss of a child because I’ve lived it through the perspective of a surviving sibling & I’ve witnessed other people live it and have heard many tales of similar experiences. People rally around the grieving parents, if there are other living children and they’re lucky, they have a grandparent or other family member who maybe can rally around them because their parents aren’t in the headspace, and that’s fair. Their whole unit has been redefined and each individual in that unit is reeling and trying to figure things out moment by moment. Everyone in that house is a mess. So focus usually gets directed at the grieving parents first. People stop by. They bring food. Friends are there for their friends and even grieving parents understand their friend can’t hold their hand all day everyday. But that shit fundamentally changes you at your core. There’s a distinct before and after the event and right around month 3 people become disinterested. By month 6 you may find them distancing themselves from you and spending less time with you than before the event. By 12 months you’ve inevitably lost people you thought were your friends because “you’re kinda a drag,” and you’ve probably got all but your closest family left and caring about the parents. Which is a hell of a lot to put on the surviving children and grandparents if there are any because where they maybe want to be there more for their grandkids they’re trying to rally around their child that’s grieving but are also grieving … and there’s no one to be found. Why? Because shit gets worse before it gets better and that’s when most of us peace out.

There are random satellites of EA human beings who if they haven’t had it conditioned out of them, will literally give people the shirt of their backs. They’re “Johnny on the spot.” This person can ALWAYS be counted on to do the right thing, be there, show up, even when shit is ROUGH, but no one seems to extend them that same courtesy when they need someone to lean on. Maybe a spouse if they have one or a very best friend, but these people also have lives outside of them and because “Johnny on the Spot” is a kind a decent human, gets it but he’s burnt the fuck out and has to start deciding between caring for himself and being “Johnny on the Spot,” because they can’t do both. So they choose themselves and often struggle with the guilt of it all and to complicate matters more, will have family and friends telling them they “used to be so nice and helpful” and “can’t figure out what’s gotten into them lately.” Suddenly they’ve become “unreliable,” but they start to feel better and make the correlation eventually that the reason they do is they’re no longer letting themselves be used.

I could go on and on and kind of already have, but what I’m driving at here is the missing piece: there’s no support or community outside of a small circle (if that) and there’s no support for that small circle of friends and family. So you do what you can do until you can’t but there’s no one else to step in while you recharge so you can go back to supporting and you’re not supposed to ask for help because it’s seen as selfish, entitled, etc. because you’re “supposed to be” stoic and you’re “supposed to be” grateful for any scrap you’re given. And if you’ve been given what some may view as unconditional support by someone, nine times out of ten, that later comes back to bite you in the ass at some level. It’s usually thrown up in your face as an IOU of sorts. All because someone was made to act like a human being when that’s what you’re “supposed to do.”

Help is seen as obligatory practice. It’s “what you do” in exchange for … that’s why always say, “don’t help out of obligation, help because you really want to help and help in the ways you can. Big or small.”

So like, no, I don’t think we have an f’n clue for the most part as to what it takes to sustain a major, cultural, social mindset shift (right now). Our ancestors did. They kind of had to but us? Not so much and people don’t want to look at the how they did, they want the triage but they don’t want the surgery with all the PT to really get better. They want they change, but they don’t want to do the work and deal with the shit.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be pissing in anyone’s cheerios here. I recognize I’m a little raw right now and not mincing my words much, but did feel it was really important to look at this because I find that most people who are interested in doing this kind of work don’t necessarily have a support system in place for when they need to recharge that can step up and sort of lead. People support in spirit but often won’t actually step up or in when needed.

There are some really decent and kind EAs even if we’re a bit clueless and learning to dial in that really truly want to help and really truly have already been helpers their whole lives. It’s their nature and it’s so shitty to see this get burnt out by others inability to do reciprocate or step in or just do more of the same themselves.

I feel like we need to be mindful of this, is all.

How are we supposed to heal over race in our current state and who’s going to support the people willing to do the work since community seems to be the lacking piece in providing the support? How do we get more people to shift their mindset outside of WSC? If we can’t be there when we get into the muck part of healing for people when it comes to grief, divorce, etc., how are we going to get people to shift their mindset to heal over race? Especially when so many refuse? I’m not saying we shouldn’t try, to be clear, and I’m certainly not saying we shouldn’t press forward, but this is something I’m grappling with right now…